It Is What It Is

Did you know…

That you can stand, staring at the bulk food bins at Whole Foods for 15 minutes before a concerned employee walks over and hesitatingly asks, “Can I help you?” And, through yet another unexpected avalanche of tears, you announce that you are counting cashews. “Do you realize there must be over 300 salted nuts in this very bin?” He smiles and slowly backs away, concerned about this woman standing alone in the aisle, relieved that this not some disruptive crazy, and, yes, so, so sorry that you are sad. He leaves you alone.

And, an hour later, after what seems like an endless amount of aimless aisle wandering and distracted price checking, you say to yourself, “Look, I am back to normal. I am grocery shopping. I am checking off that list of daily must-haves and must-do’s. I am fine.” And you actually convince yourself for, on your way home, you did not hit the brakes every few yards, you actually saw that pedestrian and avoided him, and you stopped at the stop sign. 

Progress.

Did you know…

That each episode of the TV show, Frasier, takes approximately 20 minutes to play on a DVD? And that suddenly, in the midst of witty and brilliant repartee, you can actually thrive in a world of laughter? And, 4 DVDs and hours later, you come out of your escapist fog and must force yourself to come back to the sad reality of what is. At such a crossroads, you debate whether you should get out of bed and turn the damn TV off or simply hit play and run away again? And that, my friends, becomes the biggest decision of the day!

Did you know…

That, just when you think you are fine and you go about your daily routine, that the mere appearance of a dog, any dog can be upsetting? You think you are only saying hello when, suddenly you dissolve in tears and must tell the owner that you just lost your dog. Though the owner is taken aback, he quietly, simply offers, “I understand. It’s hard.”

Did you know…

That house cleaning, getting on your knees to clean every nook and corner, no longer brings a satisfaction of a job well done? That no matter how hard you scrub, tidy, or organize, nothing in your home seems as well appointed as it once was? For there is now a pall of sadness and a huge void amidst your once safely familiar living. Every.thing is dark and in a state of disarray

Did you know…

That sometimes you must face the fact some family members and friends now don’t call or care? In short they keep away. At first the silence is confusing but it comes to a point where there is anger followed by detachment. By their disrespectful avoidance, they have stolen the dignity of your grief and minimized what you believed was a valued, close connection with each. But now you know that such people were not true. And, there is no energy for debate. It is too painful. So you move on without them. And, for some reason, throwing away photos of what was, of those who disappointed, somehow seems the necessary thing to do. 

Did you know…

That, in the midst of the sadness, you can actually hear from an ex? And, with a fervor and intent never displayed during your dating days, he suddenly wants to get back in your life? But you now see that his requests are cliched and obvious lines of self-gratification. The male coming in for the kill when the prey is most vulnerable. At first, you become a mad woman. Not at him, because you know he really never would have worked, but at all those horrible ex’s who never cared; who never even bothered to learn your dog’s name. The legacy of limited possibilities.

Did you know…

That immediate grief includes disbelief? Of course, my dog is no longer here. But for some reason, I hear a noise and, without thinking, look to or call out to him. I still greet him when I come home. I still ask him if he wants to go for a walk. 

But then, the harshness of reality punches the gut. You become frustrated, “How stupid are you? He is gone. Pull yourself together. You’ve experienced death before. What is wrong with you?”.  

You comfort myself, “Give yourself time, he was such a presence in your life. Of course, you miss him. It is going to take awhile to heal”. 

And at the saddest of moments, you ask, “Can this be so? How can he be gone? Where is he?”. 

This constant discourse of stances is exhausting and debilitating.

Did you know…

That, most importantly, you are deeply grateful to your daughters and a handful of dear friends who call so you can simply talk, cry, and yes laugh? Such trueness of empathetic support does not make demands or offer solutions. There is no judgement. There is only love. And in return, there is boundless gratitude.

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So now you know. It is what it is.

It has been less than two weeks since my dog died but, including the excruciating months of his illness and the difficult acceptance of what must happen, the actual time span of loss seems like an endless forever. 

I am moving forward. I have returned to my little job, signed up for a gym, and planned excursions. When the weather allows, I take long walks. Trying…struggling to return and reclaim normalcy and move forward. Yet another personal journey in which I seek peace, dignity, and yes ultimately resolution.  

Living Solo in Sacramento has challenged me and thrown me into a state of suspension. Very little has developed since I moved here and yet, at the same time, my life has exploded with the biggest, saddest of changes. I have no answers. I only know that sometimes life is harsh and sorrowful. It cannot be wrapped neatly with a bow and presented as a wondrous gift. It is the aftermath of chaos; the continuum of a defiant reality that ultimately defines.

It just is what is.

And I close with this reflection, so telling, hopeful, and real…

Immediately after Baci passed, I received beautiful flowers from friends and family. These abundant bouquets stood as loving testimonies to my dog, to the loss, and to the kindness of those who strove to brighten my saddened world. But today, I noticed that each, at the same time, had wilted. It was time to throw out the arrangements. Somehow, without their beauty, the apartment looked even more empty and there prevailed a sense of dread and dreariness. So I decided I would go the florist and buy an orchid. I actually bought two and arranged them side by side in a container. It was my first attempt to fill my little space with a personal symbol of loveliness. But somehow, I still felt lost.

And then the phone rang. To my surprise, I received a call from the vet's office (ahead of schedule) to tell me that Baci's ashes were ready for me to pick up. Honestly, it was startling to hear such finite words. But I knew I had to go and bring him home. As they have been throughout, the staff was gentle and supportive. But it was still tough. It was a long drive back.

A Central Park Path 

To my relief, the box that now held what remained, was simple and dignified. I cleared out a special shelf in my beloved antique desk, near other treasured momentos that represent special people and memories in my life. It was if their significance suddenly stepped aside so Baci would be in a deserved position of honor.

And that was that. In a simple ritual of placement, I realized I had him back with me. Without feeling morbid or morose, I also understood that this was the ultimate consequence for my dog—and for me. He is at peace and now I must heal and accept as well. 

And, when this awful, dark winter finally ends, as the sun shines and the warmth embraces my stronger soul, I hope to bring Baci’s ashes to New York's Central Park. As I wrote in my last blog/euglogy to Baci, Farewell Sweet Friend, this park is the site where we had the time of our lives. It is the ultimate symbol of our connection, our happiness. He will be free amongst the beauty, on the very paths he loved. It will be a final, fitting good bye.

He was one very special dog; One very special friend. I miss him terribly.

It is what it is. 



Baci Birthday 11 from Denise Pereira Webster on Vimeo.

I came upon this video which I made a few years back. It further captures the joy, love, and essence of Baci. I thank you for letting me share it.