Farewell Sweet Friend

A favorite path in Central Park...
" I'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places
that this heart of mine embraces." 

Nearly fourteen years ago, I researched schnoodles in hopes of finding a dog. My first dog. My inquiry resulted with a breeder in Sacramento. And, on a hot July day, I found myself driving from my home in the Oakland hills to Sacramento to retrieve my new puppy. I had chosen a name. Baci. Italian for kiss. I thought it was perfect. My life would be full of kisses.

Honestly, when I first saw him, it was not love at first sight. He was the last of the litter and the breeder was anxious to be rid of him. Baci looked stressed and was not animated. I feared his fate. I knew I could not leave him. This was the first of many times to come when we would just look at each other and know what must be done. So, together, my new friend and I drove home…and into a life that I could never have imagined. 

For he became my constant companion and the best of friends. And, yes, he filled my life with kisses and love.  As I wrote in a previous blog:

“Every dog owner feels their pet is the best. Mine, truly exceptional. Let me tell you about my dog…

He has been a loving constant during the best of times:

He is very friendly; always been so excited to greet my friends. Since he was a puppy, I have taken him everywhere and introduced him to everyone. He loves my daughters and has embraced each son in law and beautiful grandchild into the family.

Together we continually walk, no matter what weather. My life has come to be framed by our excursions. We have defined our world as we meander through city streets, stroll beautiful parks, hike rugged mountain trails, and discover endless beaches. He even accompanied me to New York City for two magical summers in a row. I am still amazed that he just walked through the airport security screening, got on and off the plane, and into the taxi. He just knew this was a place where I was my happiest.

And he has been there through the worst of times:

When I lost a job, a friend, or what I thought was a love, he sat silently yet knowingly beside me as I struggled with the humiliation, the uncertainty, and the shock of finding myself alone in my fears. 

When I moved from the glamorous big house to the humble abode, he was there. While many judged, he simply came along.

Baci’s perseverance and acceptance have given me a reassessment of what is important in life. He taught me that you can smile through the unbearable; that you must be fiercely loyal until your heart explodes with caring."

About 18 months ago, Baci got sick. Since, our days have been defined by managing his health challenges. But his little body clearly was losing a valiant struggle. On my part, there was some, no, a lot, of denial. In an odd way, I simply convinced myself that, though he was sick, he was not THAT sick. Everyone around me saw his slow decline and gently tried to tell me. I was incapable of hearing that truth.

But in the past month, I had to come to terms with what is and must be. It has been the hardest, most grueling acceptance.

As I struggled, I found myself reflecting on all the adventures, all the stories, all the joys. Out of the blue, I told a friend that I now spend time looking at photos of New York, of the neighborhood where Baci and I spent two glorious summers, the Upper West Side. It was the best of times. To my amazement, I have discovered that I can simply look at a photo of one of the streets and I can identify the exact location: “That brownstone is on West 75^th. That is the Brambles in Central Park. That is the island on Broadway between 80^th and 8lst”. Even the most out of the way path or side street…I recognize. 

Central Park Adventure

Why? Not because I have some savant talent for geographical recognition. But simply because I walked them with Baci. He led me on unplanned adventures through the streets until each became familiar. My memories abound of warm summer rains, fireflies, lit brownstones that compelled, wonderful people who stopped to speak to a woman and her happy dog. Unlike traveling with a person, there was never discussion or debate…we just turned right and started to walk.

Not only did Baci elevate my NYC experience, he elevated my life. He was my steadfast friend who compelled me to dare, to love. He opened the world for me. A world that was not simply a backdrop to my own personal worries or responsibilities but a world that suddenly became alive. And I realized how glorious the unexpected, unnoticed, and unknowing could be.

I ended my conversation by telling my friend that if she (or anyone) had told me 15 years ago that my soul mate would be a dog, that I would be a better person because of that relationship, I would have shaken my head in disbelief. But now I know…when I least expected it, this little guy truly became my once in a lifetime companion. 

And, today, February 21st, at almost 14 years of age, in the same town of his birth, my sweet, loving, and loyal friend passed on. 

Ironically, when I began this blog, I chose to call it SOLO IN SACRAMENTO as I saw it as a repository for my personal reflections of moving and living in a new city, a new life. From a literary perspective such a title offered endless possibilities to write about what had passed, what is, and what was to come. Well done! From a literal perspective, the title is not completely accurate. For I have not been alone because, throughout, I always had my dog. In actuality, for almost 14 years, I have had my dog. It is unbearable to realize that he is gone. It is crippling to think of the true loneliness I will now bear without his presence, his inspiration, his love. I know this is going to be excruciatingly hard. I know that grief is a part of life and must be accepted. But no dismissive platitude can diminish the complex magnitude of loss. My dear family and friends assure me that I am strong. That I am a survivor. I pray that they are right. 

And… I close with this final tribute to my dear Baci…

Soon, as summer approaches and I will be stronger and can bear it, I will return to the city Baci and I love. I will go back to New York, to Central Park. This time, I will bring my little friend’s ashes. In thankful memory, I will free Baci to the beauty of that special place. He will rest amongst the paths that defined our joy, our connection. While in New York, I will walk pass the very brownstones we came to recognize, bask in the sun we savored. I will run through the warmth of a summer rain and a thunder storm, and I will try to catch that firefly that Baci joyously chased. I will wait for Barkley at Riverside Park. In my heart, as I listen to the continued carillon of sirens pass by, I will hear Baci howling after them. 

Good bye sweet boy. I will always be grateful and, with all my love, I will never forget. Never.

I invite you to share in Baci and my NYC experience by viewing this video. The photos reflect the joy:

Summer 2016 from Denise Webster on Vimeo.