So It Goes…In Sacramento

I have written this blog as a revelatory series about the circumstances that brought me to this time and place as well as the personal reflections that have come to be. Throughout, in each entry, I have tried to include a reference to Sacramento. Sometimes it is simply identified as a place to land after a life experience or change. Sometimes it is a backdrop to the observations of a newcomer trying to navigate her “place”. I have refrained from making judgement about the city as I realized and, yes, respected the fact that I was beginning a new life and I needed to be objective and fair. I needed to allow time to reveal a personal understanding of the town.

I now write to share a compelling crossroad that determines the actual status of my life here in Sacramento. For you see, the lease on my apartment came up for renewal. I cannot believe it has been 9 months since my arrival and it is time to recommit. I had hoped that, by now, I would be of a clearer mind about next steps, about my future, including whether this is the place I will remain. Yet I found myself unsure and somewhat ambivalent. But I needed to decide as a deadline loomed. As the song goes, “Should I stay or should I go?”

First of all, there is nothing wrong with Sacramento. Like any city it has its good parts and its less desirable areas. The observations I shared in an earlier blog, Once A City Girl ,still ring true. But Sacramento has proven to be a difficult place to penetrate. It is a town that allows groups (socio-economic, racial, and generational) to live and thrive separately from each other. Everyone seems to find their tribe, their neighborhood, their daily routine—their rhythm of living. And then they drive to the local strip mall, to work, and home again.  There is no defining impetus to compel a sense of a broader community—no need to cross the bridge, walk the streets into another neighborhood that is merely a few miles/blocks away. Sacramentans live self-contained, uninterrupted lives.

So, enter someone like me who has lived many lives in one. How do I fit in? How do I make friends? How do I build a lifestyle that meshes with my needs and interests?  In the past nine months, I have not found answers; I have not personalized an imprint in Sacramento.

And, trust me, I understand a lot of my situation is my fault. The decision to move here, though concerted and well-intended, was fraught with sadness about the past. Upon my arrival, I have had a lot of unexpected events and responsibilities which, on a good day, limit my accessibility and on a bad day, exhaust and immobilize. 

Perhaps it was too much responsibility and very unfair to expect a city to provide a cocoon for all my troubles, hopes, and dreams to come together in a neatly tied package. Perhaps I have not been fair to Sacramento. But, honestly, I could use a little help here. Throw me a bone!

I found myself telling a friend that these past nine months in Sacramento have been similar to being on a bad dinner date. “ There is no connection, no future. You just know. So, you wait out the evening. You are polite and make tolerant, banal chit chat. But you cannot wait for the date to end. You skip dessert and rush through the salad. There really is nothing wrong but there is nothing right.”

But here’s the rub…among the parade of dating possibilities there were also some who made you feel the magic. I have and can recognize connection. I know about love. And, carrying through this metaphor, there have been places in my past that have compelled me. Places that I loved. I know how to live happily.

Let me explain…

--There was the cultural richness and bounty of Berkeley where the excitement of the University, of a food revolution, of beautiful streets filled me with adventure. The moment I stepped foot in Berkeley I felt I belonged. I loved the mingling of the diverse spirits that created such an exciting place.

--There was the comfort and strong community of Lafayette where I could raise my children with an unlocked door and welcoming friends. The moment I moved to suburbia, I knew I would make a home.

--And then there was New York. Every time I visited, I wanted to return. And when I lived there, I was at my happiest. It offered a bounty of culture, of architecture, of perfect parks, and, yes, of friendly, diverse people who traveled without question from one subway stop to the next. I was by myself, I was “poor” but I was never lonely and always rich in possibilities.  I knew I was home. I had found my soul mate.

A lighter perspective: From the brilliant "Frasier",
Niles honestly reacts to his new living situation!
"Get me out.I have tried, it's taking too much out of me!"

And, now solo in Sacramento, am I angry that things are not so connected? Am I frustrated that, at this time in my life, when I desire peace and balance, things are hanging in precarious uncertainty? Damn right! And, on my bad days, when I feel battered and faltering and completely inept, I am very disappointed and sad.

And so…what to do? There was talk of moving to Denver, to be closer to my daughter. There was discussion about a more picturesque location but let’s face it, quaint is out of my budget. What can I afford and not afford? Do I want to put my sick dog through another move? Do I want to go through the exhaustive process of packing and unpacking? What if I make another bad choice? How much do I compromise?

Then, my always blunt but caring daughter said to me, “No city or no one can make things right or make you happy. You have to do that”. Strong, truthful words. It saddened my heart that she had to say it.

And now, after all has been said and considered, I have come to the following conclusion:

There comes a time in life when you look at past, wonderful times and simply smile in the memory and realize how lucky you were; how blessed to have had such gifts. But you let go—even of the most glorious of your glory days. As well, there are times in life when circumstances are unequivocally brutal and unfair. But you realize how strong you are to have survived. And it is that courage within you that must sustain. Finally, there are times in life when you simply acknowledge what is. Now is such a paradigm shifting time. In welcoming weariness, you accept. It is a silent, safe surrender but it offers a respite from the sudden shock of unknown or arduous change. For now, it is the right, the only thing to do.

And so…I will remain for another year…and pray for my soul to reawaken, reconnect, realize. For now, that is what it means to be solo in Sacramento. 

I took this photo and entitle it: GROW WHERE YOU ARE PLANTED