Memories

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
Life was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

It’s come to this…I am quoting CATS. I know, I know. Not the best of musicals. But even the most critical and/or sophisticated of critics have to admit that these lyrics are poignant. In all its sentimental grandeur, it pulls at the heartstrings. And, for the purposes of this blog, it is actually a telling, perfect segue.

When I was young, there were memories but they were simply snapshots of a recent adventure or love. I considered each a piece of the on-going scenario of being. So new and momentary; promises of more to come. I was too immature to accept them as defining, treasured moments. I never imagined that memories do not guarantee continuances or happy endings. 

And then life happened. I am now old(er). And life has not exactly turned out as hoped/planned. So, at the crossroads of what was and what is, I now struggle with my memories. As another birthday looms and the years speed by…I find myself immersed in my past and I am forced to ask: What good are such memories when they recapture what is gone? How can that photograph of a smiling, young girl at her most promising best come to be such a sad evocation?

In all sincerity, I am truly grateful for my past “glory days”. I have had a very abundant and diverse life.  I love that once chubby schoolgirl who grew up in a city that offered adventure, appreciation of beauty, and acceptance of place. I am enchanted by that college student who always dreamed big and chose to immerse herself in the intelligence and energy of a university that inspired greatness. I embrace the young wife and mother who sought to create a picture-perfect little home and family. And I am impressed by the multi career, well-traveled woman who dared the world. For every phase of my life, I have a bounty of pictures and mementos that capture my life at its best. I look upon each with pride and with amazement at my committed focus, dedication, and joy.

Yes, there were struggles even within such good times. From the fractured childhood, the divorce, the stress of corporate politics to the heartbreaks of loss, defeat, and loneliness. But, for inexplicable reasons, I always felt invincible and hopeful. So, you see, my memories are powerful. They are a testimony to resilience and joy.

But herein lies the "rub".  Life does not promise continued “perfection” or fairy tale resolutions. Today, with what seems like startling suddenness, the present ceases to be adventurous or guaranteed. The challenges are daunting. Ultimately, the new reality is strange and unwelcoming.

How do I balance what was with what is? How do I stop myself from becoming bitter? Do I allow the memories of my past become only reminders of days lost? Are they simply symbols of ultimate disappointment? Do I wallow in the mire of events and times that, let’s face it, are only meaningful to me? How did it all come to this? Ah yes, the questions abound as I swirl within the cacophony of past and present.

But it all comes to this…what about the future? I don’t have all of the answers but, with the latter part of my life rapidly playing out, I know I have to come to the following terms of acceptance. So here goes…

I will honor my wealth of life’s experiences (memories) until my last breath. They provide a deeper meaning and purpose. For even these toughest of times can be accepted when juxtaposed with a gratitude for a wonderful past. The years, the memories are lessons and a solid foundation for growth and change. I may have lost a lot but I am now smarter, more empathetic, and a bon fide of survivor. I am proud of this older, wiser, and kinder self. I have become.

That is what happens as you live with length of years. What remains might not be a series of grandiose bursts of life but I have to continue to evolve—against all odds. The present and what is left of the future is now contingent on a better, more accepting, grace-ful self.  That is what each photograph, each momento demands…to never forget but always move forward.

There will still be moments when I will chose to reminisce. I do miss the places. And I definitely miss the people (and the dog) who are no longer by my side. Each enriched my soul with laughter and love. There is sadness for all that is gone.  But like the snapshots and souvenirs I treasure, their impact remains and inspires as I seek that peace of a happy and proven heart. This is my new journey.

All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me,
You’ll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day has begun...

                              I invite you to view this slide show-a sweet compilation 
                                                      of my memories, my life...